Survivors

Lately I've been playing a lot of Left 4 Dead. It's a pretty good game, like everything Valve puts out. For those who aren't particularly serious gamers, Left 4 Dead is a zombie survival co-op put out by Valve, arguably the best software company on the planet. I could write an entire post of what makes this game so great: its simplicity, its emphasis on cooperation while retaining the individuality of its protagonists, its endless replayability. However, I'd like to focus more on its storyline which, in classic Valve fashion, is deep, but told largely through the player's experience, rather than explicitly through narrative. (Again, I could write an entire post on why this is a far better method of storytelling, but that's for another day.) Left 4 Dead focuses on the story of four survivors of the zombie apocalypse, who, although carriers, are immune from the virus destroying the world around them.

Surprise politics! I'm using the game's narrative as an analog for the way I feel in a world where Hillary Clinton evokes hope from anyone. See, my favorite character in Left 4 Dead (L4D) is Louis, an IT guy who spends his lunch breaks on the shooting range. (Gee, I wonder why I'm drawn to this character.) The reason I like Louis, besides his background, is that he's always positive even though his world is shit. There's speculation out there that he's this positive exactly because his world is shit and he's trying to help himself cope.

That's how I feel in a world where anyone would vote for Hillary Clinton. Or anyone else.

I come off as one negative motherfucker, but that's only because I think my sarcastic and cynical snipes are funny. In reality, I'm a very positive person and I think good always wins out. But I also think that's despite the fact that the vast majority of Americans are idiots. Sometimes I feel like Louis: a survivor immune to the virus of democracy who nevertheless retains a positive outlook for the future of this country.

But before I can go into why I'm an optimist despite myself, let's look at why democracy is a cancerous, shitty virus. The way democracy works, if you haven't heard, is that the majority gets to decide what to do. Nice, right? Except, as we've established, the majority can do some pretty dumb stuff. Keep in mind that America has always been a republic or democracy of some kind (pick your favorite, because historically you can argue either). And keep in mind that this republican democracy is essentially founded on racism, slavery, and a touch of genocide because it was kind of ok with the majority. Have things gotten better? Sure. But we still have problems - major problems - and we voted the people who caused them into office.

Democracy is the reason I don't vote. I play Left 4 Dead because I know the game is winnable. Democracy isn't. Vote for the Democrats and I lose my guns, my money, and my liberties. Vote for the Republicans and I vote for endless war, plus I could never look my gay friends in the face ever again without feeling guilty. It's a game you can't win, and I don't like losing, so I don't play. And yet, because I choose not to play, I'm subject to the verbal attacks of a million zombies claiming that if I don't vote I can't complain about oppression, and what's more, should do the honorable thing and deport myself.

Speaking of zombies, let's get back to Hillary Clinton. I never thought I would see the day where people would be happy that openly ambitious, smug, horrible human being would get to partially control anything in their lives.

Let's clear this up right now before we proceed further: voting for Hillary because she's a woman is as sexist as voting for Obama because he's black is racist. Period, end of story.

Now that that's out of the way, let's talk about the 2016 election, because apparently it's time. What in hell makes you think this will be any different? We voted for Bush and we got an endless horror of a war. We voted for Obama and we got more of the same, plus massive executive overreach, domestic spying, and drone strikes on innocent civilians. There's your hope and change. And now someone comes along and promises you the moon again and you believe her? Why?

Really. Give me one good reason why you think it'll turn out different this time.

The zombies in L4D are stupid. You know what you can do to them? You can throw a bomb with a flashing light on it towards them and they'll run towards it until it explodes and they die. You can put fire between you and them to kill them because they'll just keep running at you even though they'll burn to death. You can throw a substance that attracts them to you and gun them down while they crown around it. And they never learn. They're more American than George Washington eating an apple pie while riding a bald eagle.

They're also dangerous, because as stupid as they are, there are a lot of them.

That's why I feel like a survivor.

But here's the nice thing: survivors always win. The zombies don't actually matter in Left 4 Dead because they're mindless, interchangeable NPCs. The mindless NPCs around me who want to vote my rights away because they think it'll be better this time around can't actually hurt me. I'm immune. I don't buy in, I don't vote, I don't play their game. I can be oppressed. I can't be made to do it to myself. The only power politicians like Hillary have is the power to make you believe in them.

Don't.